….and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
It’s not the money I miss, but the years I spent being angry.
Angry at myself.
Angry at my decisions.
Angry at my business partner.
Angry at the world.
Angry at myself.
I’d recently paid off all my debt, had nearly no monthly expenses, and was streamlining my life. I had one ghostwriting client who paid like clockwork, an apartment on a lake, and was figuring out single motherhood; truly…a life built for a princess.
Then I let ego start driving the bus. I got caught up in doing what I always do: helping the longshot make it to the finish line. I am always all in on the 850:1 horse. Always. This time was no different and I went all in without a plan or exit strategy as I backed a startup with my personal money, thinking we’d find investors right around the corner.
My tale isn’t unique. Lots of startups fail. Lots of founders lose their life savings.
What I lost was the lesson.
I’ve joked that the money I invested was my student loan for the first-ever MBA in blockchain. I was learning a tech so new that only 8% of the world knew about it. Back then, we weren’t just in the state of infancy, but embryonic. I studied. I learned. I consumed everything I could. I made mistakes. I spent more money. I traveled the globe. I spoke in Monaco, and Lisbon, and Barcelona. I flew to India to be the keynote. I got written up in magazines. I accomplished every dream, goal, and aspiration I’d set for myself as a writer. I sat with really important people, most of who’ve become my friends.
As I watch the rise and exposure of crypto now, it’s with a peaceful smile. I could not be more pleased at the amount of new interest for a thing that I’ve loved and believed in for so long. All our hopes as a new crypto community are flourishing and it’s beautiful.
But, ohhh, the anger. How could I have been so stupid to have invested so much money? To have trusted people I had no business trusting? To have been such a fool.
It’s only now…after loooooooots of work and counseling and meditation that I’ve been able to forgive myself. To see — once again — that I am not entitled to only good, easy, gentle lessons. To see that there is beauty in the pain, the stretch, the monumental fuck ups. Had I not spent the money, had I stayed content in my little writerly bubble, I might have a neato little life free of pain and heartache.
And I likely still wouldn’t know about crypto. I wouldn’t have paid for a cruise with ETH. I wouldn’t own DOGE or BTC. I wouldn’t have little boys who watch the markets as the first thing they do when they get in the car after school; who wouldn’t be sending me reddit memes and connecting with me about global events. I wouldn’t be an international speaker. I wouldn’t have traveled to some of the most glorious places on the planet. I most certainly would not have the friendship circle that spans the globe as I do. All told, $150k was the bargain of a lifetime for what I gained, what I’m still gaining.
I wish I had the time back though.
I wish I had all that time that I wasted being angry at myself.
I wish I had all that energy back that I sent out into the world.
I wish I could have loved myself sooner.